A Conversation With MYSELF

Last night was awful.  I tossed and turned. I was hot then cold.  Anxious then peaceful. I haven’t had that happen in years.  Many many years. This morning when I opened my eyes not really knowing if I had been awake or asleep all night,  I was drained.

We got the kiddos off to school and I had a choice to make… Sleep or do my own Yin Yoga Practice.  In between the stagnant feeling in my core, confusion as to why this terrible night’s sleep and a bit of self pitty; I kept thinking about an interaction I had the night before with a long time friend.  A friend who like me is effortlessly living at higher vibrations with a great outlook on life. During that interaction I was so negative in my thoughts and words. The kicker is I was in a pretty good mood.  It surprised me the way I acted and frankly I was quite embarrassed.

So with that bit of shame and disappointment in myself, I decided to start a Yin practice.  A very slow and meditative practice. This practice turned into a 2 hour practice and every bit of it was felt, appreciated and needed.  Some was meditation but a lot of it was having a REAL and honest conversation with myself. In the end… talk about an emotional release. Whew.

I asked myself half way through why I had treated my dearly loved friend that way.  Why was it that when I saw her, I went from good ‘ol Erika to Negative Nancy? And the truth of it is, I’m jealous of her.  I view her as a liberated woman. Someone who sees what she wants and goes for it with class and grace.

Now, discovering that was the easy part.  If I was jealous of her liberation, why do I not feel free?  If I don’t feel liberated, do I view myself as repressed? Ouch.  How on earth can I be repressed. I want for nothing. Or do I? Is this feeling of repression a mood or an underlying characteristic of my personality.  I kinda think that it was once an emotion that became a mood that became part of my personality. But why? When? How? Oh lord, now I’m in deep… well almost.

This is where the depth REALLY comes in.  Why do I ALLOW myself to feel this way. Nothing I can DO will change this part of me.  The only thing that will heal this poisonous feeling is just BEING. Perhaps I do want something deep down and that’s why I have feeling of void from time to time.  If I truly wanted for nothing, my tank would be fulfilled. What is it that I want. Ahhhhh the question that started this 3 year Yin Journey. A poisonous question in itself that causes dis ease in the mind, body and spirit.  

So how did this Yin practice end?  It ended with no answers to the questions I was seeking but every so peacefully with a lot  less questions.

My body has been talking to me deep from a place I wasn’t listening too.  It had been too long since a good conversation like this with myself. These conversations are tough and scary to have because I never know what I’m going to find.  One thing I do always find is a deeper gratitude for myself, my family and teachers.

 

1 thought on “A Conversation With MYSELF”

  1. The journey of the self, through the self, and through the self…., to the self. Trust the journey. May you be at peace. May you be at ease. Namaste friend.

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